Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
