I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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