Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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