now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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