Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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