either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
