my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
