is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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