I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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