If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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