We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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