whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
