Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You made out with two different species that night
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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