Will you blow on my dice?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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