I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
