You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
