Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
