I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
