every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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