I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
