Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
