Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
