I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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