John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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