I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
