I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
