I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
