Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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