That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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