Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I don't deserve a penis
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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