you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
