I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
