I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
