i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
