Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
