We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
