Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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