The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
