her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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