I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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