Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
