if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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