I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
