chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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