Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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