Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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