Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
