i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
