So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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