i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
