Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
