Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
