Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
