If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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