too bad you live with your parents still
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
