Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
