I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
