Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
