There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
